11/21/2005
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i know no one reads this anymore. ryan has pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. but i can't really write stuff in my xanga.
we could just blame this all on my fucked up hormones. but the thought that hormones are 75% of the reason i'm so fucked up is kinda depressing in it's own way.
i don't feel right. i can't really say how or why...i just don't. i feel like i'm doing something wrong. i really haven't done anything all that stupid lately. i've drank, i haven't really smoked. i've mainly kept it under control. i met a new boy. i'm not really interested in him. for all i know he's not all that interested in me...yet at the same time it seems like something might eventually happen there. annnd at the same time, the boy is still in love with his ex.
he's kinda boring. a state school engineering boy. smart, cute, funny...hell kinda perfect...but kind of boring. and those people just make me nervous anyway. i like fucked up boys. and not in the way tim likes fucked up girls. like...he just wants to fix them and be there for them. i just like them cause it's like a comfort zone. maybe they'll be more accepting of me??? i dunno.
i must say, it's the one this that makes this kid kinda attractive is the whole deal with his ex. cause he's about the only guy i've met who isn't creeped out about the inordinate amount of time i spend around tim lately. me and tim aren't even hooking up anymore...we are just friends. sometimes we cuddle but he cuddles with everyone and no one seems to understand that. i consider him my best friend...end of story. and it probably wouldn't have been like that if we hadn't have dated.
sure...my whole damn summer sucked...and i was miserable and had a crush. but i guess if it wasn't for that...we wouldn't be good friends. and now that i realize what his mentality was that whole summer, i can forgive him and it kinda seems silly how i acted.
and mainly...right now i'm single...and well...i honestly...umm...don't care. i just don't. i'm single. i'm kinda horny but i have a single so ya know...me myself and i. and that boy is there, so if he's around i'll do my thing. but i honestly don't care which way it goes.
i just feel like being singles kinda ok right now. except...i don't want to be here. because being in small town ohio is not where i like to be alone. when i'm alone i like to be completely ridiculously alone. like when i went to france, couldn't speak the langauge, and didn't know anyone. i love that feeling of being scared as hell but just knowing you have to stick with it cause there's no way out...i just miss the city. it's much more fun to be alone in a city or having giant museums to get lost in for hours and having no one know where you are and no one caring.
i feel like i should stop drinking, stop socializing, just stop everything and concentrate on school. it's so hard though because i try but then my mind wanders and i accomplish nothing anyways so i might as well go out and party a bit as i wouldn't do homework anyways. i only do well in the classes i want to do well in. i'm scared for my science and religion class. i honestly did try on this last paper but the professors happen to know the material so well i think they'll just rip the paper to pieces.
i can't concentrate on my political science paper. i like the class...but i can't get myself to like it enough to truly get into this paper. the one paper i wanted to write i'm not writing cause i never proposed the topic in gothic art.
speaking of...i decided to study abroad in prague. italy is a better program but it's simply not what i want and italy is not where i want to experience actually living in a foreign country. my mom seems convinced i'll move abroad someday and i can't say that the idea doesn't tempt me but i feel like i could only truly call a place home...somewhere like prague. italy i love...it seems like a dream place to live...but never a place you could make home. prague is just so backwards and quirky i feel i could just settle in. it's a city...but not too big. mainly i just want a place where i can walk down streets that have been there longer than the usa has even existed. and i want to be an art snob...with a snobby artish job, where i schmooze with snobby artsy people and get drunk off wine and absinthe. and i want to know everything there is to know about art. i want people to look at me like i'm an expert on it, which i feel anything but.
and then maybe i will think about boys again. i want a boy who will follow me to art museums and not make me feel weird. i only go to art museums alone because i always feel obligated to please the other person if i go with them. that we should look at what they want to look at...and i think they might find it weird when i find myself staring at something forever...if i found someone who wouldn't find that weird. wow...yeah i'm just rambling now...but it would be nice.
i'm going to study french because i feel so incapable of foreign languages and all the grad schools will hate me when i can't do a damn thing with any language. i sincerely wish everyone would speak english if only for me being a selfish bitch who learns things quite naturally and easily and gets easily frustrated in things when she finds they are her weakness...and languages are my weakness...